By Will Hartzell-Baird
Read: September 2009
Rating: Clever
Do you see that adorable little pyramid thing dusting the title on the book cover? You see that? That’s the most adorable killer robot you will ever see. Its name is XR-36, but it secretly thinks of itself as Octavius. It can’t announce this because XR-36 is a highly desirable name, being a perfect square and all. The robot is equipped with a feather duster and a spinning saw blade that will destroy anything that gets too close. So don’t get too close.
What would you do if your car broke down on a lonely road and the only place to seek shelter was a forboding mansion? Like Robbie, you’d probably go up to the door and knock, asking for a phone. And that’s where you’d make your fatal mistake. Because this isn’t an ordinary mansion. This mansion is full of killer robots that won’t let you leave. And people who lie around sleeping on the floor only it’s not really sleep. Then there are the squirrels. And the slivs. Oh, and the giant squid teaching itself violin. And try not to annoy the vampire. Or the gang of little old ladies who seem to be in charge of all this… death.
It’s very Terry Pratchett, and I like that. It’s also got footnotes(!), which I love. The book is woven from humorous concepts, and there were moments when I had to step back for a giggle fit. Hartzell-Baird knows his funnies.
There were some problems with the book, largely stemming for its being a First Novel, and self-published. I’m not anti-self-publishing. The facts are that at least half a dozen people will proof and edit a book on its way to an established publisher, and so you’re supposed to get a better quality product that way. (That’s the theory, anyway.) I belive Death Mill Mansion is ready for the next step: a good editor. With a little editing, it’ll become really awesome.
So listen up, all you agents and talent scouts. This one’s worth your time.
If you’re a civilian, keep an eye out for Hartzell-Baird. Both of them. There’s gold in them thar hills.
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