By Jude Deveraux
Attempted to Read: January 2010
Rating: AUGH
Wot the shit is this?! Today, RB stands for RIDICULOUSLY BAD.
Hey Jude don’t make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her under your skin
Then you’ll begin to make it better
Better, better, better, better, better, Yeah,Yeah,YeahNa Na Na Na Na Na Na
Na Na Na Na, Hey Jude!
Hey Jude, WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS?!
This was supposed to be a safe bet. This is one of the most popular romances out there–even the Smart Bitches have called it a guilty pleasure. It has 398 5-star reviews on Amazon, and only 75 rated below that.
WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS SHIT?!!
I haven’t even finished the first chapter. I cannot go on. This is just too awful.
Our ‘heroine’ is Dougless somethingorother. Dougless. I wasn’t even aware that could be a woman’s name. And DougLESS? Who spells it that way!? Who has EVER spelled it that way?! Scottish clans should rise up and declare war on Deveraux for perpetuating the bastardization of their name.
The rest of her family is rich and successful. Apparently she’s the odd one out. Instead of being a lawyer with her own firm, she teaches elementary school. She doesn’t earn big bucks as a doctor, she scrapes by. And she’s not married with children, she dates the most abysmal men. Guys who seem great and then turn out to have a prison record. The priest who’s embezzling church funds. I’m supposed to sympathize with this?
Her current beau is some jackoff called Robert. He’s rich as Croesus and knows it. He’s divorced and has a daughter. What do we know about the daughter? She’s fat. She’s fat and she hates Dougless. That is the extent of Gloria’s character development. Fat, obnoxious, whiney, spoiled child. And did I mention fat? Because that is her principle characterization.
Robert is one of those rich fuckers who has taken an interest in the womens’ movement because it means women WANT to pay 50% of everything. Even if they can’t actually afford it. He holds this over Dougless’ (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Less a BRAIN!) head at every opportunity. Though they live together, he makes sure everything gets itemized down to the penny. Groceries, rent, dining out, etc.
But he’s not ALL bad. He’s taking Dougless to England for a long vacation. Just the two of them. With a surprise. Surely he’s going to propose to her at last! She’s seen the receipt for the jeweler–$5,000. He says, “Expense is no object,” so Dougie (I cannot call her Dougless, it’s demeaning) plans a great trip for them.
What’s the surprise? Gloria the pig-child is coming with. She’s his ANGEL, you know. She has five suitcases, he has three, and Dougie has one. Dougie gets to sit squished in the back with all of them. Gloria complains that she’s scuffing them.
“Do we have to see another church?” Gloria wailed. “I’m sick of churches. Couldn’t she find something better to look at?”
“I was told to search out historical sights,” Dougless snapped.
“Robert stopped the car in front of the church and looked back at Dougless. “Gloria’s statement was valid and I see no call for your temper. You are making me begin to regret bringing you.”
That, right there, sums up the whole dynamic. He is a master manipulator, and his child has learned the same. Oh, and she’s not a CHILD, child. She’s at least a preteen and old enough to know better.
Anyway, this trip is pretty damn disastrous. Robert’s jewelry store trip? He bought Gloria a diamond and emerald bracelet. Dougless gets nothing.
Have we established yet that they’re fucking horrible people and we should all run far, FAR away from them?
But if she leaves him, she’ll have invested a year and a half in this man for NOTHING and her family will all LAUGH at her-!!
Dougless is a fucktard. We should all run far, FAR away from her.
Anyway, Gloria the pig-child takes a moment away from Daddy Dearest to tell Dougless some horrible things which are probably lies, but may not be, since Robert is such a jackass. Dougless shows some spine and slaps her. Right as Robert emerges from the church. He is predictably huffy and leaves Dougie there–taking her luggage with him. And Gloria, precious creature that she is, steals Dougie’s purse, letting it dangle out the window as they drive off. …Robert is clearly blind as well.
Devastated, Dougie goes into the church to sob. There’s a tomb there of some earl. While crying beside his giant stone coffin, she says some cliche things like ‘please make my life better’ and next thing she knows, this gorgeous man in armor is standing over her with a scowl.
That’s page 17. And you can subtract two pages of prologue.
Dougless is a moron. Deveraux can’t write for shit. And I really don’t see how our Earl from the 16th Century is going to save things. In the next five pages he proves to be very irritable, and not really sympathetic. I can’t say I buy his reactions, either.
I flipped around a bit, and see nothing to show an improvement.
Back on the swap pile it goes. I need to brush my teeth and my brain.
I’m amazed you got even 20 (or was it 19?) pages into this…it’s more Jude Deveraux than I’ve ever read.
But your description of the book (well, the bit of it you read) made me laugh, so thanks for that.
Also? We share a template in common.
Happy reading…
P.S. Dougless? Seriously? Dougless? Oy.